As I was walking home from work today, I was thinking about the difference between how life was for me before awakening and after awakening. So, here's a few thoughts that comes to mind.
Before Awakening
There is always a sense of trying to improve things and make things better. I would be trying to ensure I have made time for my daily meditation and if I haven't, then I haven't looked after myself properly. There is always a sense of 'what can I do now, so that life can be lived more enjoyably'. If my mind wondered off into different thoughts, as soon as I snapped out of it, I would make an effort to be in the present moment. I had a sense I was doing things, like making decisions and walking and working. I was classifying things into good and bad all the time - a sense of 'I should be doing this' or 'I should not be doing that'. Then, I would try not to use the word 'should' as the word is supposed to be unhelpful, so I would artificially change the word to something else. I used to always be making plans about the future and how I want things to turn out.
After Awakening
After Awakening, although there is effort being made by this body, I am not making any effort at all, as I am Awareness. I can observe thoughts popping up in my mind, desire for this or that arising, but it isn't me doing any thinking. Right now, as I write this, I feel as if I am writing this, but at the same time, if I consider what is happening, I know that writing is happening. Thoughts are arising in my mind, and are being translated into words on a computer screen. I am not doing it at all. Awareness doesn't ever do anything - Awareness effortlessly shines on all experience. So I make no decision, no actions, do no right or wrong, light up everything I look at, I don't sleep or do I wake up. Yet, at the same time, everything looks the same and is very ordinary. I still get annoyed and irritated. I get bored and frustrated. I get angry and upset. And yet, I as in Awareness, am not touched by either of them. I know that the experience, no matter what the experience is, will pass away sooner or later anyway.
This happened to happen whilst listening to a song by John Wheeler, after listening to a talk by him. John Wheeler explains that there is a sense of being that is behind all experience. That sense of Beingness, of presence is who I am. I am not the thought 'I am'. In this presence, this beingness or awareness, everything arises. Thoughts, feelings and perceptions all arise in Awareness.
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I just had a peak understanding experience (close to ego death) and have been over the course of two years, and I wasn't sure how to feel even though I've known this is true for a long time. I just could never fully accept it and feel what it was like to come close to dying. I lost all control and felt like I was going to die. I felt nothing until I shook it off and sort of accepted it. It wasn't as intense, as horrifying as I know I could've allowed it to be, but it sunk in pretty strongly. I just wanted to say, your final sentence,"Thoughts, feelings and perceptions all arise in awareness," really helped me to put the meaning I needed to everything. I feel lacking in articulation and personality right now, but to conclude, I'm not sure what else to say but thank you.
ReplyDeleteI mean no offense, but if I were you, I would feel unfulfilled. As awareness, you create what you are aware of. Why would you be aware of negative things? Work to be aware only of the positive and create positive. If you are content living in duality, so be it. I merely wish to give you perspective.
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